On the Side
by Phanfan925
Summary: Drabbles, Oneshots, and AUs from within the universe of "The Price of Wisdom" APH/HP Xover. Lots of terrible humour. Not all that entertaining. Beware.


**Summary: A collection of drabbles, oneshots, and AUs from my Harry Potter/Hetalia crossover "The Price of Wisdom". Mostly centered around things that happened behind the scenes, or things that COULD have happened. Some are made for humour purposes, and others are more serious. Updates are sporadic and dependant on both reviews and my own whims. Don't expect the same level of quality as TPoW.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Axis Powers Hetalia. I did write both this and The Price of Wisdom, though.**

**For our first collection, we have some CRACK! drabbles. Not meant to be taken seriously. Just for fun! ;D**

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><p><strong>#1<strong>

**The Albino**

**Prompt: Multiple reviews from chapter 16-17 of the fic that said that Kuma sounded like he was describing Prussia. Since then, this hasn't left my head... Excuse the similarity from the original scenes, but there is a critical deviation later on XDD.**

**Warning: Excessive, _slightly_ OOC yelling from England...**

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><p>"What's-his-name got himself in a tight spot."<p>

England's eyebrows cast dark, worried shadows over his eyes. He leaned towards the near-collapsed bear-cub, demanding that it expound upon what it had told him. This was troublesome. Was the bear's owner in danger?

"Do you mean Matthew? What's happened, then?"

Kumajiro snuffed, "Whoever-that-guy-is with the creepy red eyes is after you... By the way, who _are _you?"

Arthur Kirkland's mind stopped working, and his heart was petrified in his chest. No... it couldn't be... _Dear God. _

"...You're not making any sense," he said nervously, in denial. Tons of people had red eyes... didn't they? "Who has red eyes? Who's "after me"? And you still haven't told me where Matthew is."

The bear growled and grumbled, but spoke some more, nonetheless. "I don't know his name. He looks like he never saw a day of sunlight. Freak."

_...Red eyes..._ _pale skin..._

_No. This is impossible. And yet... who else could it be?_

England screamed, shaking his fist at the sky. "PRUSSIA! DAMN YOU!" His voice echoed throughout the castle. In fact, England's vocals carried and travelled so far that they succeeded in scaring birds off trees from outside.

Kumajiro flinched, putting his paws over his ears as he watched the nation rage and rant. The bear's anxiety grew with every word that flew forth from England's lips. He was scaring him...

"I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! GILBERT! OF COURSE! WHO _KNOWS_ WHAT HE'S DOING TO MY SWEET BABY! HE BETTER NOT PUT A _FINGER_ ON HIM! I'LL GUT HIM LIKE A PIG! I'LL BLEED HIM OUT UNTIL EUROPE IS RUNNING RED!"

"Umm..." the polar bear tentatively spoke up, afraid to say _anything _at this point. Interference could prove fatal, at this point.

Students that were coming around the corner were shocked into silence. Their Professor had lost their mind, totally and utterly. He was a mad man. And lord, was he _loud..._

"HIS ARSE WILL STING SO HARD HE'LL FEEL IT FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER CENTURY-"

"Ehhh..." Kuma shifted, feeling an uncharacteristic bout of sympathy stir inside him at the thought of what would happen to Prussia if he didn't clear this up, and _soon_.

"THEY'LL HAVE TO CALL IT THE BAD-TOUCH _**DUO **_FROM NOW ON WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH HIM! I SUPPOSE THIS PERSON HAD WHITE HAIR TOO?! THAT-"

"_Actually_, he was bald," intervened Kuma in a matter-of-fact-voice.

England's sudden temper and hysterics immediately died down, like a wisp of flame being blown out by a breath of air.

"...Oh."

No one did or said anything, but a student's cough broke through the tangible silence.

"O-oh... so... OH, you mean THAT bloke, Voldemort. Phew, thank goodness. HIM I can handle." England breathed a relieved and shaky laugh. All was right in the world, once again...

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><p><strong>#2<strong>

**Shite **

**Prompt: From my head. What if Iggy's brother's randomly showed up at Hogwarts and started raging at Umbridge? You can never get enough Umbridge bashing, my friends.**

**Warning: Language**

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><p>When England's brothers came to visit him out-of-the-blue, England had expected the worst. He expected nothing short of absolute chaos. Hogwarts would be turned upside down. A hell-on-earth. He was sure of it. And it didn't help that Umbridge wouldn't stop nagging... and nagging... all day long. There was no escape from her, <em>or <em>his brothers...

"Delightful" Dolores was with him now, chattering away about how he should "really reconsider the material" that he was teaching, if he wanted to "have any chance of employment, in the future." England hated how much power the Ministry-woman had... it was irritating. It rubbed him the wrong way. Still, he refused to lose his head. He was a gentleman, after all...

Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland hovered at England's shoulders, giving Umbridge incredulous looks, as if they couldn't believe what they were hearing. Northern Ireland looked at England, mouthing, _'is she for real?'_

England mouthed back, _'guess what I have to deal with everyday...'_

"-In conclusion," said Umbridge, her flapping mouth synonymous with a croaking toad. "If you don't start teaching historical subjects that are up to the Ministry's standards, I may be forced to dock your pay, and even terminate your employment here at Hogwarts." She sat there, smugly adjusting a pink bracelet on her wrist that would've looked good on _any_ other female.

England's face went red, and not just any shade of red. A deep, dangerous scarlet... He could hear someone grinding their teeth with fervour, likely Wales. Everything fell silent... the calm before the storm. The pause before the volcano's massive and explosive eruption.

"...This... is. SHITE!" screamed Scotland.

"_SHITE_!" chimed in Ireland and Wales.

"WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS?"

"BULLSHITE!"

"I SECOND THAT!"

"AMEN."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK HIM OVER OR SOMETHING?"

"'MIGHT AS WELL GET SOME FUCKING CONDOMS IF YOU'RE GOING TO FUCK HIM OVER!"

"HERE, LAY DOWN, ARTHUR. MIGHT AS WELL BE IN THE RIGHT POSITION IF SHE'S GOING TO FUCK YOU OVER LIKE THIS!"

"IN A LITERARY SENSE, OF COURSE."

"PULL DOWN THE PANTS, ARTHUR. THIS BITCH IS SERIOUS! MIGHT AS WELL ACCOMODATE HER!"

"CUN-!"

They may have been trying to defend him, but England had never felt more embarrassed in his life...

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

**Dear me. Woe is me. What have I done... Whenever I am stuck with writer's block on TPoW, or just plain bored, I will write some drabbles/oneshots from the same universe and put them here. 'Might put some Ukranada (*What I like to label Ukraine/Canada. Ucran or Ukran for short) fluff in here at one point. **

**Review, I guess... X'DD**

**You can request things too, of course. But no guarantees. **

**On another note, the next actual chapter of The Price of Wisdom is almost done. Happy Halloween's Eve folks! :'D **


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